ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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