I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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