If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
