Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
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