you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
