I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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