i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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