So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
