I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Best friends brother. Beat that.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
