I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
