News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
