you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
