I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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