sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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