Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize