Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
