Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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