I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
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He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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