I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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