the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
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Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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