I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
