Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
