And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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