I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
