I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
