The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
