I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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