stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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