What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
