you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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