You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This toilet bowl is my home.
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