dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
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On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
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I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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