My hand turned me down
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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