It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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