I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
