My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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