The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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