There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
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Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
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Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers