im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
