Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
where are you?
Hypothermia
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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