Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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