I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
