the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
