i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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