So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
