I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
