thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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