And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
