Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Randomize
