I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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