Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
