I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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