Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She bit a glass in half.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
