I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
