It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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