You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
