I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You smell like stripper and shame
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
