You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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