So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
